In The Head of a Tomb Keeper
by XxAxel-koixX
Summary: We all know YuGiOh's Malik Ishtar, right? WRONG. We know the SANE Malik Ishtar. Yes folks, that is him being sane. So, what's he like when he's not on the show? Dun dun dun...
1. Boredomness & The Fruitcake

Mufufu! I must poke fun at my hubby! 

Malik-.-;; Is this going to be one of those times where I sound, look, and act like a complete baka?

Me: Hai! You bet your sweet ass on it!

Malik-sigh- Fine. But you gotta make fun of the other miserable, less-talented cast of Yu-Gi-Oh!.

Me: That's the plan! Now, go play with Kyo. (If ya don't know who that is, then check out my profile, and nu it's not Kyo from Furuba.)

Malik: Alright. -goes to play with Kyo-

Me: Anyho, I wanted to let you people know that even though I make fun of or bash a character, doesn't mean I don't like them! Well, I don't like Téa, Tristan, or Pegasus. Especially Téééa...ewww...that massive pink blob of whoriness...

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Disclaimer-My Ode to Lawyers- Roses are red, violets are blue, Yu-Gi-Oh! is not mine, so please don't sue!

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**Chapter 1: Bordomness And The Fruitcake**

Oh, Ra. I am so freaking bored. It is so unbelievingly boring. It's so boring, even boredom would be bored.

Yawn...

Hmm, how many of those little dots are on the ceiling?

1, 2, 3, 4...

526, 527...

What the hell? Is that a marshmallow on the ceiling! Dammit Marik, I told you not to lick marshmallows and throw them at the ceiling!

Oh well. It will come off eventually.

Now, what number was I at?

625? Crap, I lost track! Sigh.

If I could morph my beautiful face into one of them little chat faces, then it would be this-.-

But if I could do that, then I wouldn't be bored, now would I?

Damn.

Well, I could go outside. But then where would I go? Whatever, I'll just walk. Then I'll be somewhere. But then I won't know where I am if I don't know where I'm walking to? But then, how does one know where one's going if one doesn't know where one is?

Haha! I said something semi-intelligent! Go me!

Wait, who's One? That would be weird if I met a guy named One. Or a guy named Guy.

Ha. Well, I can't talk. My english dubbed name is Marik. All they did was change one stupid letter! Why the hell didn't they just keep it Malik! I mean, how hard is it to say the "l" instead of "r". Idiot American dubbers.

And another thing! What's with the manwhore's name! Her name sounds like a british drink. Tea. Well, if you want to get technical, you need to put the accent over the "e" so it sounds like "a". Téa. But it's funner to to make fun of her and call her Tea, like "ti". Hah! If you say it two times fast, you're saying "titi". Ha!

...I don't know why I find that amusing...

Ok, now I'm outside walking. I don't know where I am, only that.

...Ok, why did I stop talking! I just stopped in mid-sentence! Anyway, I don't know where I am, only that I'm about fifteen feet from my front door. ...Wait...

Ahem, anyway, I'm walking along, dum dee dum dee dee...Ok, that's creepy, time to stop.

Now that dog is staring at me. Stupid dog, quit staring at me! I, Malik Ishtar, am above you, so I am superior!

Well, actually, the dog is in a tree, so it is above me, but metaphorically, I am superior!

Hey, two big words in one statement! I am so bad! Oh, and what now?

Ehem...

"Malik-boy!"

Oh, no. Please, don't tell me it's...him...

"Hello, Malik-boy! How wonderful to see you! Awahahaha!"

A girl...guy? Ok, an "it" is strolling up to me, a fruity smile on it's fruity face. It's got fruity hair, fruity clothing, everything about his...I'm assuming he's a dude...is fruity. He's a fruitcake.

What kind of sick people would name their kid after a stupid winged horse the Greeks, or Romans or whatever, believed in!

Obviously, his parents...

"It's so wonderful to meet the villian of the second season!" Winged-horse Man says, flicking his fruity-ass hair.

I should have been first season! Because I, Malik Ishtar, am a far more sinister villian than that fruity man in the red suit! It's true! What did he do? He stole peoples' souls and put them in CARDS! And why? So he could attempt to reconcile for his dead girlfriend. I can see why she croaked. I don't blame her at all.

Oh well, I guess it's a "save the best for last" thing. But then, that means I'm nowhere near the last villian on the series, and I'm in the second season, which means I'm the second worst! What kind of bullshit is that! STUPID AMERICAN DUBBERS!

"Now now, Malik-boy, no need to be formal!" Fruity Winged-horse Man says, filing his nails.

What the hell is he talking about!

"Ok, what would you have me call you?" I ask him sardonically.

Hah! Another big word! I'm getting smarter!

...Aww, the authoress just took my dictionary from me! No fun!

Anyway, I got some names to call him...Fruitcake, Fruitloop, Fruit Rollup, Fruit Basket...oh great, now I'm hungry.

"Call me Peggy, Malik-boy!" "Peggy" says fruitedly.

Is "fruitedly" a word? Well it is now! Muahah!

"Hmmm...You know, I can see why you're girlfriend left you. I would too if I found out you were a gender-confused Flying Horse Man." I say meanly.

Is "meanly" a word? Oh well, I don't give a care about no grammar!

Ok, now Peggy the Winged-horse Man is sobbing and sucking his manicured thumb.

"T-that was meeeeann!" He wails, makinf several passers-by stare at us, if they weren't already. Man, he is really cramping my style.

Ohh! Lightbulb! I have an idea! I know, shocking, me thinking, but try to contain yourselves.

I get a long stick and poke the dog until it jumps out of the tree, and I hand it to Peggy.

"Cecillia! My beloved, you've returned!" He says, hugging it, and carries it off.

Poor dog, he looks like he's crying inside. Well, it's the dog's problem, not mine!

Crap. Now I'm being chased by angry P.E.T.A members waving "Stop the giving-away of stray dogs to overly feminine guys names after mythical beasts!"

Whew! I'm now back in my house, in the living room, on the couch, where I was before, staring at the ceiling.

Hmm...How many dots ARE on the ceiling!

1, 2, 3-SPLAT-...

...That was the sound of a wet marshmallow falling off the ceiling and making contact with my face...

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Well, that's chapter one! I hope you peoples like it! If you want me to write about another YGO character, please let me know and I'll do it!


	2. Bakura's Retarded Plot

Gomen nasai for the long wait, but I had writers' block. But now I have returned to post! I think this chapter is really stupid, but it's all I can come up with right now, so please don't flame me! 

A bit of shameless promoting here... please check out my new story, **_Marik And Disney Don't Mix_**! And if you like InuYasha, read my neechan _**WolfSisterJazlynn**_'s story**_ Boarding School of Doom_**, it's really funny!

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Disclaimer: Ode to Lawyers: Roses are red, violets are blue, Yu-Gi-Oh! is not mine, so please don't sue.

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**Chapter Two: Bakura's Retarded "Plot"**

Groan...And yes, I did actually think the word "groan". I didn't actually make a groaning sound, but I thought it. Hah! I have fooled you all!

...Wait...who am I talking to?

Anyway, Bakura has forced me to accompany him to his "secret and most hidden lair", which is nothing more than a freaking little kid's treehouse. He payed the kid for it in Pokémon cards. The sucker, doesn't he know Pokémon is out, and Yu-Gi-Oh! is in? Yes, I know, shameless promoting. And why did Bakura have merchandise from a rival show?

I've decided I don't really want to know. He wants to discuss his "diabolical and maniacal plans", which is building a giant boat/ship thingand taking one of every animal within a three block radius and cramming them onto said boat and then flooding the city. Brilliant, Bakura, just brilliant. You'd think a guy that's been around a few hundred years could come up with something a liiiitle bit eviler.

Heh, "eviler" is not actually a word, you see. So that makes it funny, because "eviler" is not gramatically correct. Why am I talking like I'm smart? I don't know. Why the hell did I just answer myself? I still don't know.

...I think Bakura is talking...let's listen, shall I? Eh...

"So, it's going to be you, me, and since I don't swing that way and we need females to reproduce and start a new population anyway, Angelina Jolie. Who are you taking?"

...Okay, I heard maybe four things in that sentence.

"Ano...huh?"

Man! Getting hit with a stick really fuckin' hurts! Bakura sits down and pulls out this bigass piece of raw meat and sorta gnaws on it like a rabid chipmunk.

I swear, the guy...entity?...scares the living Hell outta me.

...That made me sound like I should be in The Excorcist. Hell is living inside me...disturbing...

"Malik..." gnaw, gnaw, "you're drooling. And..." gnaw, gnaw, "Have you picked someone? No fat people, I don't have the room for them."

"Ano...nobody I want to come with me comes to mind, so I'll go with...that one chick that writes those weird Yu-Gi-Oh! stories. Ano...starts with a "K"..."

Hmm...I wonder if Bakura knows his left eye twitches alot. Fucking odd.

Dude, he just ate that entire raw steak.

"Do you want Mad Cow disease?" I ask him.

He grins weirdly at me and says, "I invented Mad Cow disease!"

"Really? 'Cause I invented the glue they use on the back of Post-its. And the question mark." I tell him.

What? Really, I did! See, I have proof!

I make the wavy arm things, cueing the Flashback segment.

**_Flashback  
_**

"Malik, what do you want!" Marik snapped, mad because his evil scheme speech had been interrupted.

Malik held up a piece of paper with a scribble on it.

"What in Ra's name is that?" Marik asked, raising an eyebrow.

It was a squiggle line thing with a dot underneath it.

"I shall dub it Question Mark!" Malik announced, striking the Superman pose.

Marik was thousands of years old, and even he knew the question mark was already invented. Sometimes he wondered about his hikari's sanity, since he had none to worry about himself.

"O...kay...you do that. Now take your primative scribbles somewhere else."

Malik glared at his yami and clutched the paper to his chest protectively.

"How dare you say it's primative scribble! Clearly, it's a cow!"

Marik stared at his hikari, then turned back to his _"I'm Going To Take Over The World And Make The Pharoh Into A Subservient Footstool And Make Téa Court Jester Then Feed Her To The Lions! MUAHAHAHA!"_ speech.

**_End Flashback_**

Bakura is giving me the "you're a complete baka, and should be eradicated" look. Everyone gives me that look. I hate that look! Stop giving me that look!

"I've lost all respect for you." He says.

I didn't know he respected me before...And who's he to talk? He likes raw meat, he's a blood fetishist, and he looks like an albino that fell into a tub of bleach! And why is he so pale? He's Egyptian! Egyptians aren't pale! But here he is, Captain Peroxide in all his shiney white glory!

"Likewise." I reply to his 'respect' comment.

OH! Check the oven, Bakura, 'cause your cookies are so BURNT! How do you like them baked brownies? Get some ice for that BURN!

...Okay, I think I've made it clear that I totally BURNED Bakura. Well, come on, how often is it that I do something smart?

Bakura pulls this big rolled-up scroll out of his shirt. I've always wondered how people do that. Like, they have this bigass object in their shirt or pocket, and there's no indication that it's there...Weird, ne?...

Anyway, he lays it out in between us, and it's a crude drawing of a ship...boat?...

He points to a stick figure with really spikey hair and a maniacal grin; it also has a cape thing on him. It's also wearing a crown on it's head.

"That's me." He explains.

Then he points to another stick thing that appears to be dangling another figure over the edge of the boat/ship thing.

"Know who they are?" He asks.

"Ano...Michal Jackson?" I reply. That's what it looks like...

Bakura smacks me upside my head, shouting English obscenities. How'd he learn English?

"That's Marik, and the thing he's about to dispose of is that vile Téa mutant."

"Oh..."

Then he points to two other figures. One has spikey hair and it seems to be shoveling food into its mouth.

"That's Ryou, since I can't leave him..." He says.

Then there's this figure with spikey hair...man, alot of characters on this show have spikey hair...and it seems to be sleeping, judging by the little 'zZzZz...' bubble above it.

"And that would be you." He states the bloody obvious.

"Okay, so you're gonna flood the city, but you're gonna save one of every animal within three blocks of us." I say.

"That's the plan." He says boredly, getting out another raw meat product...I think it's bacon...and chewing on it.

"But then, how will the animals reproduce if there's only one of each?"

"One word: Crossbreeding." He says.

"That's two words!"

"No, it's a compound word, grammar genius." He sneers.

"Well, so? Where are the women, by the way?" I try to ignore his previous comment.

"Down in the ship, I guess."

"Okay, I get all that, but...how will we all fit into that tiny thing?" I ask him, pointing to the drawing.

He yells something very rude in Egyptian and kicks me...literally...out of the treehouse, which is like forty feet in the air...

On the way down, I can hear him singing "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow, it's only a day away...",...In German...

Luckily, something brakes my fall. I get up and brush myself off. Then I turn around to thank whatever I landed on.

Oh...no...kuso...it's...

"Malik! How dare you land on me and my friend's friendship! Our bond is stronger than your evil plotting schemes!" The Ti witch yells.

I run from the "Friendship and Love" hag, trying to get as far away from it as possible.

But it's too late; my ears have melted.

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Again, I know it sucks. Gomen nasai. Please send me ideas, 'cause I'm out. Review too! 


	3. Phone Calls & Being a Hermit

Nihao, minna! Gomen nasai for not updating as fast as I should. My dad is in the hospital, and today he's getting heart surgery. Plus, I've been really stressed out by school. ("Easy A", my ass!) I've been on lockdown because last week I got in a fight with some chick who used to be my best friend. But she started it, so I finished it. The principle called my parents and now I'm being carefully monitored. But still, I got mad skills. -holds up sign that says "Tristian's a whore!"- 

If this chapter sucks, please forgive me. It's hard to be humorous when you're worrying about whether or not your father is going to live.

Oh, and I really want to finish this story, but I don't know how I should end it. How many more chapters should I do, and someone please help me by suggesting how I should end this!

_**Domo Arigato to...**_

_**WolfSisterJazlynn:**_ Arigato times three, neechan! You've helped me out so much! I luff you...therefore, I shall run you down with a limo, give you a pencil, then take it back, then run you down again, then give you a ride, then tell you you're beautiful, then somehow know where you live, then I hate you, then I'll marry you and we'll take a bath together...not. Go get your ghetto hobbits and go rape someone, then find some friends, fag. (all inside jokes, folks. Not meant for you to understand.)

_**Seto's Summer Flower:**_ I can't be held liable for anything my story does to you such as loss of oxygen, fainting, insanity, and death. Arigato! n.n

_**Slifer02:**_ DUDE! I'm glad my story makes you laugh! And yes, people often wonder about me and my screwed-up ways, so I can relate. Like sometimes, I'll just be sitting at my computer, and all the sudden I break out into evil laughter for no reason, and my dad actually says to me "I'm going to put you on meds.". And hai, there's nothing like coming home at the end of a long, hard day and bashing the hell out of Ti. Arigato! n.n

_**Bellebell3:**_ Glad you like it! I luff you...in the least gross way possible...in a friendly way! Arigato! n.n

**_hatethehaters:_** Yesh, PETA does rock, and I completely support them! Gomen if I insulted you. It was meant to insult both Malik and Fruity-Winged-Horse-Man. Arigato! n.n

_**God'sChildX:**_ Arigato! I'm glad you like it!

_**xxNeeChanTomixx:**_ Arigato, Tomi-san! Glad ya like it! And yay! I get to have a stalker! Hope I'll get to see ya soon! n.n

Also, a bit of promoting on my neechan's behalf. Please spare some time to read her story, Boarding School of Doom. I beta that story. It's basically an InuYasha fic, but it's got Malik in it! Pwease read, if you like my stories, you'll luff hers! (WolfSisterJazlynn, by the way. Check out her profile! And while you're at it, lookit mine! There's updates about my stories and shit like that.)

_Disclaimer:_

Malik: Aw, don't make her say it!

Me: Yesh, don't make me! (glomps Malik)

Malik: Make Yami say it! He's an idiot!

Yami: (appears out of nowhere, and gets handed a script, which he reads) Uh, "Rina-san does not own Yu-Gi-Oh, and it's a damn shame, too."...wait, who wrote this!

Me: Uh...What's that Mom? Okay, coming! (runs away)

Yami: o.o;

Malik: (banishes Yami when nobody's looking)

_**Chapter Three: Phone Calls & Attempting to be a Hermit**_

Well, isn't this familiar? I feel like I've had this feeling before...Oh yes! I have! And this feeling that I feel like I've felt before is sheer, uncensored BOREDOM!

I would leave the house, but the whole "Ti encounter" incident yesterday has left me afraid to leave my house, in case I run into her again.

I'm going to have to become a hermit. You know, live by myself, with no human contact for the rest of my life, and all that good shit.

Okay, so if I'm gonna become a hermit...you know, it sounds like I wanna become a crab. I'm going to live in a flippin' shell! Oh joyest of joyed occasions, I'm going to become a form of sealife! Go me! Hail the British Parliment and such!...

So, first thing I need to do is get enough food to last me a month or so. Once my food supply runs out, I will live off of the things I find in my backyard. Yes, I know that wouild mean me going outside, but it's okay, cause nobody will see me. The only person that lives near me is that fag-boy, Joey Whats-his-shit. And he's too busy clinging to his loser friends to ever go out into his backyard.

That doghouse is still back there too. I think Joey got a dog once. He kept it outside. I think he forgot to feed it, because I haven't heard it barking lately, and because every time I go near the fence between his yard and mine, I can smell something dead. Which in turn attracts Bakura. I'm serious, sometimes I'll go out here to shoot the squirrels, and I'll see the top of Bakura's head on the other side of the fence, followed by the sound of mad cackling.

So, back on subject...what was the subject? Oh, me turning into a hermit. I go outside, then realize I don't need to be back here yet, so I go back inside. I pick up my phone and push Speed Dial 2. Speed Dial 1 is Animal Control, because when Bakura sneaks around Joey's backyard, he comes over to my house and tries to set fire to my mailbox. The bastard.

Beep, beep, beep...why is the beeping necessary? To denote that the phone is ringing. Why did I just answer my own question? Because that's what I do. Am I scaring myself? Yes, yes I am.

"This is Dominos Pizza, what the hell do you want?" A familiar voice says.

This is weird. They're being unusually polite today. Last time, some guy told me to some things that are physically impossible, then hung up.

"Yeah, gimme thirty large pepperoni pizzas." I say.

I figure that should be enough to cover at least a month, even if I do have to eat it cold. Marik came over at one point and put explosives in my microwave, so I can't heat anything up.

"Fine, whatever. It'll take a while, so if you don't like it, piss off and die." Then he hangs up.

Service was nice today.

Okay, now that I got that out of the way, time for the next thing, which would be...ano... ... ... ... ...I don't know. I guess all I can do is wait for my food supply to get here. So what do I do while I wait?

...Lightbulb! I can prank call people!

I pick up the phone and dial Yugi's number. Don't ask how the hell I know it, because I don't know.

...Damn, message machine. Can't prank call a message machine. Well, I can, but it's not as fun.

"You know what? You fucking telemarketers need to stop calling me about your growth supplements, because I don't want them! And Joey, you don't have to call every five minutes to see what I'm doing! I have a life, unlike you! I hate you all, you sorry motherfu"  
I hung up. Because...wow...that was...damn scary...Shall I call someone else? I shall. There we go with the answering myself again.

How about...that creepy unicorn-looking guy. Trisha or whatever his name is...again, do not ask how I know his number.

Dammit! Another message machine! Don't tell me he has a life? Oh well, might as well have some fun with this one.

"Oh my God, you called me? Dude, no one ever calls! Please leave a message! I need human contact! Nobody's called me before! I'm so happy!"

"Beep."

I use a high-pitch girly voice and leave a message. "Hey, it's Becky. I just wanna say that I'm so madly in love with you, and that you're my world, and I think your hair is so sexy, the way it's all pointy. And the way you run around like an idiot is so hot. I wanna see you, so meet me later at the..." I'm pretending that I'm going through a tunnel, so it's all static. "...ca...mo...fe...sa...by..."

I hang up, proud of myself. Poor idiot, he's going to end up killing himself because he's not going to know where "Becky" wants to meet him.

Actually, I didn't think the guy had a life? I mean, he didn't even answer his phone. Well, actually, I did think it, or else you wouldn't have known I thought that. I did though.

**_Flashback_**

Dammit! Another message machine! Don't tell me he has a life?

**_End Flashback_**

See? I told you I did. But no one ever believes me! You're all haters!

Tch. Damn queer is probably too busy looking at boobs on the internet to answer his phone.

I shall dial another number. Let's see if you can guess who it is I'm calling. For the last time, do not ask how I know these people's number.

Screw it all! Doesn't anyone answer their phones!

"Hey there, hon. Can't get to the phone now, I'm signing autographs for my fans. Because I am loved. I'll try to get back to you, but only when I feel like you need to hear my beautiful voice again."

I hang up. Cocky much? Much too much.

"Ding!"

My doorbell! Why doesn't it "dong"? What's the point of having a doorbell if there's no "dong"! Cheap piece of shit!

I answer the door to find...Yami!

"Here's your damn pizza. I dropped one, but you'll have to guess which one I dropped, and what I dropped it in. That'll be 49.97." he says, not even looking at me. He's staring at his painted-on pants like he's into them. Creepy, ne?

"Send the bill to Kaiba, Pharaoh." I say, trying to see if he remembers me.

His head snaps up. "Who told you who I am? Dammit!" Then he runs down the street, waving his arms in the air.

Okay, that was fucked up. But now I have my pizzas, and I can begin my new life as an Blonde Egyptain Tomb Keeper Hermit living in Japan.

"Ding!"

What the hell...I'm supposed to be a hermit! No human contact! And I hate that damn doorbell! The "dong" was the best part!

I answer the door. This is the last time though.

It's Yami. Again. "Sorry, I haven't taken my meds today. And Yugi's gone on vacation with Téa, so I've been bored, which is why I volunteered to work at Dominos."

Um...Yugi and Ti on vacation...alone, together?...I. Do. Not. Want. To. Know.

"Wait...when did they leave?" I ask him, suddenly recalling that I ran into...or rather, landed on top of, then ran from...Ti.

"Last week." He says, chipping the paint off my door.

What the hell? But I saw her yesterday, much as I'm disgusted to say. Don't tell me it was a fangirl! Yes! It was a Ti groupie! I must say, she did get the whole "friendship rant" down perfctly. Very convincing.

I don't have to be a hermit after all! Yay!

"Well, I sent the bill to Kaiba. I must go. Egypt needs me! Trojan Man!" Yami says. Now he's peeling off his painted-on pants and running down the street screaming, "Bow down, bow down, before the power of Santa, or be crushed, be crushed, byyyy his jolly boots of doom!"

Why the hell did my family he would save mankind? I endured a hot poker to my back as a child all for him!

No wonder our civilzation died out...

Dammit all! I grab my hose and chase off Bakura, who is trying to set fire to my mailbox. The bastard!

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Again, sorry if it sucked. But please review! No flames! That's Bakura's job. 


End file.
